i have been a slacker.
i'm working on getting back to blogging...but for now i'm working on some personal things. i've started another blog where i am putting my focus for the time being. the things i write in there are very personal. from my heart. i expose myself 100% and don't plan on holding back. i don't feel it's appropriate for this blog...don't know why exactly, this blog has been about me, it's not just my family blog but it is mine...however the other one is more raw. i don't want to be judged. i need to let some things out. it's a healing blog for me. so until i feel better, i'll be living around there. i'll come back to here someday. and likely, well hopefully, i'll be on here to get caught up and post some cute pics that i have.
cheers to the journey of life.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
changing my name
after much debate and consideration, i think i must change my name. no, no, not my last name but my first name. i think it should be grace. kinda pretty huh?
my mom has teased me that i used to be her little ballerina, and aren't ballerina's graceful? well as each year passed (now this is when i was much younger) i became more and more of a clutz and my mom would tease that it was a good thing she didn't name me grace. for the last few years i have been rather impressed with myself and assumed that stage of my life was over. i was regaining some "grace".
well, of course my luck ran out. a month or so ago i ate it while walking on campus. a nerve got pinched in my hip and gave me no warning what-so-ever and i went face first into the snow. fortunately there was snow. everyone around assumed i had just slipped on the ice. no big deal, my hip (the pinched nerve) was killing me and this exact thing had happened just a few days earlier where I couldn't stand for nearly 15 minutes, however i was at home when it happened. so being in the middle of the sidewalk at school i quickly looked up to the heavens and pleaded that i be able to stand at least this day. it hurt and was difficult but i managed to get my butt up.
i was feeling good this morning. got up early. ate breakfast. was on time and didn't need to rush. yes, it was a good morning, a good start to the week....that is until 8:10 am hit just moments after i stepped off the trax. I was crossing the busy street up by campus, you know the one where the VA hospital is, and just east of there are all the big medical centers...and you know at this time there is a BUNCH of traffic. so anyways, i was feeling good almost to the point of whistling...until my body lunged forward, my feet did some dance that they were never trained to do for about 10-15ft and then SMACK and the awful sound of brakes screeching on a car! my feet didn't rescue me, instead they attracted everyone around attention leading in for the grand finale. i somehow managed to not only fall in the street but i did some acrobats. you know, if you're gonna fall might as well make it worth it?! i somersaulted. not sure how, but i did with my extra large back pack on.
I laid there for a minute, wide-eyed, mouth slightly ajar and then realized i better get up before i hear more screeching brakes.
Normally, this sort of thing doesn't embarrass me much. I can usually laugh a sincere laugh....but today's display of my lack of grace was anything but "normal". i was mortified. while i laid there i honestly had hoped someone would rush over and help me up, so that i'd at least have a laughing partner, one with whom i could pretend that i wasn't so embarrassed. but i never saw an extended arm, only blue sky. so i bravely lifted my neck (the whole time wishing the darn car would've just hit me) and saw people standing with their hands over their mouths. really? did they think they could disguise the fact that they were laughing at the performance I had given? the girl who was closest mustered out "ah, ah, arrre (hee hee) yyyou ok? (hee hee)"
I smiled and nodded with my eyes closed.
i kicked my feet, as if i were shaking the humiliation from me, grabbed my cracked water bottle, and whatever pride i could muster up at that point and turned myself around to continue walking to class.
it was over. it happened. now get over it i told myself for 50 minutes that should have been spent learning about databases. after class i took a deep breath and started my walk across campus to my next class. during my walk, i felt someone grab my arm and a sweet voice ask if i was ok. i looked at her with question in my eyes and she explained that she had seen me earlier but was laughing too hard to help me. i busted up laughing and assured her that i was fine; other than a few scrapes and bruises and that big old dent in my pride.
serves me right i guess. last semester a boy was riding his bike around campus and for no apparent reason he went over the handle bars and fell to the ground, his books flew into the air and scattered like confetti. I couldn't help but burst out in laughter. today it was karma, complete karma.
my mom has teased me that i used to be her little ballerina, and aren't ballerina's graceful? well as each year passed (now this is when i was much younger) i became more and more of a clutz and my mom would tease that it was a good thing she didn't name me grace. for the last few years i have been rather impressed with myself and assumed that stage of my life was over. i was regaining some "grace".
well, of course my luck ran out. a month or so ago i ate it while walking on campus. a nerve got pinched in my hip and gave me no warning what-so-ever and i went face first into the snow. fortunately there was snow. everyone around assumed i had just slipped on the ice. no big deal, my hip (the pinched nerve) was killing me and this exact thing had happened just a few days earlier where I couldn't stand for nearly 15 minutes, however i was at home when it happened. so being in the middle of the sidewalk at school i quickly looked up to the heavens and pleaded that i be able to stand at least this day. it hurt and was difficult but i managed to get my butt up.
i was feeling good this morning. got up early. ate breakfast. was on time and didn't need to rush. yes, it was a good morning, a good start to the week....that is until 8:10 am hit just moments after i stepped off the trax. I was crossing the busy street up by campus, you know the one where the VA hospital is, and just east of there are all the big medical centers...and you know at this time there is a BUNCH of traffic. so anyways, i was feeling good almost to the point of whistling...until my body lunged forward, my feet did some dance that they were never trained to do for about 10-15ft and then SMACK and the awful sound of brakes screeching on a car! my feet didn't rescue me, instead they attracted everyone around attention leading in for the grand finale. i somehow managed to not only fall in the street but i did some acrobats. you know, if you're gonna fall might as well make it worth it?! i somersaulted. not sure how, but i did with my extra large back pack on.
I laid there for a minute, wide-eyed, mouth slightly ajar and then realized i better get up before i hear more screeching brakes.
Normally, this sort of thing doesn't embarrass me much. I can usually laugh a sincere laugh....but today's display of my lack of grace was anything but "normal". i was mortified. while i laid there i honestly had hoped someone would rush over and help me up, so that i'd at least have a laughing partner, one with whom i could pretend that i wasn't so embarrassed. but i never saw an extended arm, only blue sky. so i bravely lifted my neck (the whole time wishing the darn car would've just hit me) and saw people standing with their hands over their mouths. really? did they think they could disguise the fact that they were laughing at the performance I had given? the girl who was closest mustered out "ah, ah, arrre (hee hee) yyyou ok? (hee hee)"
I smiled and nodded with my eyes closed.
i kicked my feet, as if i were shaking the humiliation from me, grabbed my cracked water bottle, and whatever pride i could muster up at that point and turned myself around to continue walking to class.
it was over. it happened. now get over it i told myself for 50 minutes that should have been spent learning about databases. after class i took a deep breath and started my walk across campus to my next class. during my walk, i felt someone grab my arm and a sweet voice ask if i was ok. i looked at her with question in my eyes and she explained that she had seen me earlier but was laughing too hard to help me. i busted up laughing and assured her that i was fine; other than a few scrapes and bruises and that big old dent in my pride.
serves me right i guess. last semester a boy was riding his bike around campus and for no apparent reason he went over the handle bars and fell to the ground, his books flew into the air and scattered like confetti. I couldn't help but burst out in laughter. today it was karma, complete karma.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
i have pics finally....and ALOT OF RAMBLING
As if I didn't have enough on my plate to worry and fret about right now (financially speaking), I figured it was time to take myself on a mini vaca...ok so really I had just come home (well was on my home) from a weekend in St. George when it hit me that I needed a real vaca, not helping someone move and spending my entire weekend cleaning (which is a whole other story).
Let me back up a few years. lol. not really but..so 2 years ago one of my very bestest of friends moved to AZ and I have yet to visit her there. The last few months I have desperately needed some sort of distraction from HERE (not that life here isn't wonderful and full of joy, but sometimes despite all the blessings there is a whirlwind of disaster too) . So like i said i decided on the way home from st. george that no more waiting for me to get a job (that's what i kept telling myself, once i got a job i could go) because i realized that once i had a job and school going how the hell would i ever find time to get away. it was now or never...well ok i hope not really but I NEEDED it so i tried to logic it that way. i text krissie sunday afternoon and asked what her plans were for the following weekend. her response was to spend it with me. we were on the same page. i decided to leave thursday and come home sunday. only missing 2 days of class, which i had talked to my professors and found out nothing was really going on anyways.
I told my friend tj my plan...ok back up a little bit here too. tj is my little helper right now. he is my best friend (among a few others). he sees something in me that not many people see and pushes me to fight for it. he is the one who got me in counseling (which thinking of, i need to get back to doing that) and has paid for it all. he is who i was in st. george with, it's his family that lives there and his sister that we were helping move.
So, on with my story...i told tj my plans of going to AZ (which we had talked about before because his brother lives there and we thought that eventually we'd make it down together to see both his brother and krissie) --sorry this story is messy because i like to tell all parts, so another side note, tj is staying with his family for....um....we don't know, until he feels like coming back north or until work starts back up.--tj, is also my little protector, i'm not allowed to drive in snow, walk across the street to the grocery store after dark, stop in "shady" areas of town, or anything that could possibly be "unsafe" (secretly i really like this, no one has ever really cared before) so with that being said, he of course opposed to my driving me and the kids all the way to phoenix and requested that we pit stop in st. george and pick him up and he would drive us the remainder of the way.
thursday morning at 5:58 am zaden and i backed out of the driveway and headed to ivy's dads to pick her up and were off. we made awesome time,
the kids were outstanding, i think they are born to be little road-trippers (wahoo) they never fussed or whined or anything so the drive was rather pleasant. UNTIL we got off the freeway on st. george blvd and zaden puked all over. luckily tj's brothers house was less than 5 minutes away so i called and told them to be ready for me with towels.
after a bath and an hour of playing we loaded back into the car and set sail for AZ.
(the kids were begging me to take pics of them, how could a momma say no?)
(This made me laugh, the kids were being super super quiet so i turned around and
they were both sleeping with blankies on their heads.)
it was little sotera's 6th birthday thursday (i had thought it was on saturday, oops) so we surprised her and claimed to be her birthday present. she was thrilled and so surprised. I had SO much fun. it was nice to just relax and be around good company. we didn't make ourselves super busy sightseeing or anything, which was fine by me, all i needed was krissie time.
(i know this is the ugliest or goofiest pic of myself but i had to post it because right
before i snapped it tj warned me to not close my eyes)
(i really don't think this one is any better though,
my eyes are open but they are super exhausted after no sleep the night before)
(oh he is so funny, so funny i think i had drink coming out of my nose.)
(we played wits and wagers, tj's favorite game, and during it krissie and chad started
marking each other, thank goodness it wasn't sharpies that we were using)
(our last day we decided to let the kids do something extra fun and took the to the fountains)
(zaden absolutely loved it, he wouldn't get out)
(on the way home, we were stuck in a pretty bad blizzard and the kids were so good,
well i found out why when i turned around and saw this...thank goodness for girl scout cookies)
(little miss did so good at cleaning up chocolate boy for me so i could focus on the snowy roads.)
some, i'm sure, have judged me for taking this trip (you know me being a financial mess and not having an income and crying about bills all the time) but the gas money was well worth the recharge i got. krissie talks openly to me, tells me what i need to do but in a way that is out of love and kindness and full of respect. things were said to me that made me feel so much better about myself, who i am (which by the way i felt more alive there then i have in so long), what i deserve, and how i need to go about getting it.
this trip was better than that even (can you believe it?? could it seriously get any better?) tj and i had a few good conversations too. we cleared a few things out of the air between us, and krissie had a big old chat with him (he's only known this downer moody sad girl) about who i am and what i need from him. he couldn't quit saying how lucky i was to have a friend like that. a true TRUE friend. someone who deep down to their soul cares. and he pointed out another friend of mine whom he believes cares the same so i'm twice blessed there. and you know what I AM!!
I was super sad to leave, i called her house my paradise. it was perfect weather, i didn't have to really worry about or entertain the kids, i laughed so much, i started to come back to life even if just ever so slightly...
i thank you krissie and chad for allowing me a minute to get away from my reality and be able to enjoy life. thank you tj for driving us there safely and taking such good care of us always. and thank you dear Lord for my friends! for their rescue, for allowing me to remember what really matters in life.
Let me back up a few years. lol. not really but..so 2 years ago one of my very bestest of friends moved to AZ and I have yet to visit her there. The last few months I have desperately needed some sort of distraction from HERE (not that life here isn't wonderful and full of joy, but sometimes despite all the blessings there is a whirlwind of disaster too) . So like i said i decided on the way home from st. george that no more waiting for me to get a job (that's what i kept telling myself, once i got a job i could go) because i realized that once i had a job and school going how the hell would i ever find time to get away. it was now or never...well ok i hope not really but I NEEDED it so i tried to logic it that way. i text krissie sunday afternoon and asked what her plans were for the following weekend. her response was to spend it with me. we were on the same page. i decided to leave thursday and come home sunday. only missing 2 days of class, which i had talked to my professors and found out nothing was really going on anyways.
I told my friend tj my plan...ok back up a little bit here too. tj is my little helper right now. he is my best friend (among a few others). he sees something in me that not many people see and pushes me to fight for it. he is the one who got me in counseling (which thinking of, i need to get back to doing that) and has paid for it all. he is who i was in st. george with, it's his family that lives there and his sister that we were helping move.
So, on with my story...i told tj my plans of going to AZ (which we had talked about before because his brother lives there and we thought that eventually we'd make it down together to see both his brother and krissie) --sorry this story is messy because i like to tell all parts, so another side note, tj is staying with his family for....um....we don't know, until he feels like coming back north or until work starts back up.--tj, is also my little protector, i'm not allowed to drive in snow, walk across the street to the grocery store after dark, stop in "shady" areas of town, or anything that could possibly be "unsafe" (secretly i really like this, no one has ever really cared before) so with that being said, he of course opposed to my driving me and the kids all the way to phoenix and requested that we pit stop in st. george and pick him up and he would drive us the remainder of the way.
thursday morning at 5:58 am zaden and i backed out of the driveway and headed to ivy's dads to pick her up and were off. we made awesome time,
the kids were outstanding, i think they are born to be little road-trippers (wahoo) they never fussed or whined or anything so the drive was rather pleasant. UNTIL we got off the freeway on st. george blvd and zaden puked all over. luckily tj's brothers house was less than 5 minutes away so i called and told them to be ready for me with towels.after a bath and an hour of playing we loaded back into the car and set sail for AZ.
(the kids were begging me to take pics of them, how could a momma say no?)
(This made me laugh, the kids were being super super quiet so i turned around and
they were both sleeping with blankies on their heads.)
it was little sotera's 6th birthday thursday (i had thought it was on saturday, oops) so we surprised her and claimed to be her birthday present. she was thrilled and so surprised. I had SO much fun. it was nice to just relax and be around good company. we didn't make ourselves super busy sightseeing or anything, which was fine by me, all i needed was krissie time.
(i know this is the ugliest or goofiest pic of myself but i had to post it because rightbefore i snapped it tj warned me to not close my eyes)
(i really don't think this one is any better though,
my eyes are open but they are super exhausted after no sleep the night before)
(oh he is so funny, so funny i think i had drink coming out of my nose.)
(we played wits and wagers, tj's favorite game, and during it krissie and chad started
marking each other, thank goodness it wasn't sharpies that we were using)
(our last day we decided to let the kids do something extra fun and took the to the fountains)
(zaden absolutely loved it, he wouldn't get out)
(on the way home, we were stuck in a pretty bad blizzard and the kids were so good,well i found out why when i turned around and saw this...thank goodness for girl scout cookies)
(little miss did so good at cleaning up chocolate boy for me so i could focus on the snowy roads.)some, i'm sure, have judged me for taking this trip (you know me being a financial mess and not having an income and crying about bills all the time) but the gas money was well worth the recharge i got. krissie talks openly to me, tells me what i need to do but in a way that is out of love and kindness and full of respect. things were said to me that made me feel so much better about myself, who i am (which by the way i felt more alive there then i have in so long), what i deserve, and how i need to go about getting it.
this trip was better than that even (can you believe it?? could it seriously get any better?) tj and i had a few good conversations too. we cleared a few things out of the air between us, and krissie had a big old chat with him (he's only known this downer moody sad girl) about who i am and what i need from him. he couldn't quit saying how lucky i was to have a friend like that. a true TRUE friend. someone who deep down to their soul cares. and he pointed out another friend of mine whom he believes cares the same so i'm twice blessed there. and you know what I AM!!
I was super sad to leave, i called her house my paradise. it was perfect weather, i didn't have to really worry about or entertain the kids, i laughed so much, i started to come back to life even if just ever so slightly...
i thank you krissie and chad for allowing me a minute to get away from my reality and be able to enjoy life. thank you tj for driving us there safely and taking such good care of us always. and thank you dear Lord for my friends! for their rescue, for allowing me to remember what really matters in life.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
My OH my!! Time for a change huh?!
Honesty moment for a minute. For the past few months (far too long) I've allowed myself to become subject to an awful enemy, depression. I hate it, yet when it started coming on I really did try to fight it. I thought at times that I had succeeded but then there are other times that I can't hide from it any longer.
I just went through 2 years of my blog, which wasn't really that hard to do because i've slacked off so much, but looking at the pics my smile was so much brighter. The words I wrote were much happier. hmmm...makes ya think for a minute, and then it makes me get down right upset with myself. Don't get me wrong because i know that i have SO MUCH to be eternally grateful for. But i suppose I just "like" to dwell on the rest.
I've started a class, like counseling somewhat, about self-analysis and getting to truly know yourself. It's been interesting so far. But after seeing my blog I AM SO READY to find happiness again. I miss smiling and laughing til I pee my pants.
So, here's your warning: Soon, very soon (with the help of big man upstairs) I will be the goofy adult with so much zest for life that I will be skipping and singing through parking lots. I'll be the wacko rocking out to her music in her car. I'll be the person who you will wonder why I'm smiling (what's tucked up my sleeve).
(oh see just the thought of that makes my mouth corners turn up...so goal for tomorrow: skip to class. LOL)
here's my favorite song lately. The lyrics just speak to me, maybe you'll like it too.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag; drifting through the wind; wanting to start again.
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin; like a house of cards; One blow from caving in.
Do you ever feel already buried deep; Six feet under scream; but no one seems to hear a thing.
Do you know that there's still a chance for you; cause there's a spark in you.
You just gotta ignite the light; and let it shine; just own the night; like the fourth of july.
'cause baby you're a firework; come on show 'em what you're worth; make 'em go "oh, oh, oh!"; as you shoot across the sky.
baby you're a firework; come on let your colors burst; make 'em go "oh, oh, oh!"; you're gonna leave 'em fallin' down.
you don't have to feel like a waste of space; you're original, cannot be replaced; if you only knew what the future holds; after a hurricane comes a rainbow.
maybe the reason why all the doors are closed; so you could open one that leads you to the perfect road.
Like a lightning bolt; your heart will blow; and when it's time, you'll know.
You just gotta ignite the light; and let it shine; just own the night; like the fourth of july.
'Cause baby you're a firework; come on show 'em what you're worth; make 'em go "oh, oh, oh!", as you shoot across the sky.
Baby you're a firework; come on let your colors burst; make 'em go "oh, oh, oh!"; You're gonna leave 'em all in awe.
Boom, boom, boom; even brighter than the moon, moon, moon; it's always been inside of you, you, you; and now it's time to let it through.
'Cause baby you're a firework; come on show 'em what your worth; make 'em go "oh, oh, oh!"; as you shoot across the sky.
Baby you're a firework; come on let your colors burst; make 'em go "oh, oh, oh!"; you're gonna leave 'em all in awe.
Boom, boom, boom; even brighter than the moon, moon, moon; boom, boom, boom; even brighter than the moon, moon, moon.
"Firework" - Katy Perry
I just went through 2 years of my blog, which wasn't really that hard to do because i've slacked off so much, but looking at the pics my smile was so much brighter. The words I wrote were much happier. hmmm...makes ya think for a minute, and then it makes me get down right upset with myself. Don't get me wrong because i know that i have SO MUCH to be eternally grateful for. But i suppose I just "like" to dwell on the rest.
I've started a class, like counseling somewhat, about self-analysis and getting to truly know yourself. It's been interesting so far. But after seeing my blog I AM SO READY to find happiness again. I miss smiling and laughing til I pee my pants.
So, here's your warning: Soon, very soon (with the help of big man upstairs) I will be the goofy adult with so much zest for life that I will be skipping and singing through parking lots. I'll be the wacko rocking out to her music in her car. I'll be the person who you will wonder why I'm smiling (what's tucked up my sleeve).
(oh see just the thought of that makes my mouth corners turn up...so goal for tomorrow: skip to class. LOL)
here's my favorite song lately. The lyrics just speak to me, maybe you'll like it too.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag; drifting through the wind; wanting to start again.
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin; like a house of cards; One blow from caving in.
Do you ever feel already buried deep; Six feet under scream; but no one seems to hear a thing.
Do you know that there's still a chance for you; cause there's a spark in you.
You just gotta ignite the light; and let it shine; just own the night; like the fourth of july.
'cause baby you're a firework; come on show 'em what you're worth; make 'em go "oh, oh, oh!"; as you shoot across the sky.
baby you're a firework; come on let your colors burst; make 'em go "oh, oh, oh!"; you're gonna leave 'em fallin' down.
you don't have to feel like a waste of space; you're original, cannot be replaced; if you only knew what the future holds; after a hurricane comes a rainbow.
maybe the reason why all the doors are closed; so you could open one that leads you to the perfect road.
Like a lightning bolt; your heart will blow; and when it's time, you'll know.
You just gotta ignite the light; and let it shine; just own the night; like the fourth of july.
'Cause baby you're a firework; come on show 'em what you're worth; make 'em go "oh, oh, oh!", as you shoot across the sky.
Baby you're a firework; come on let your colors burst; make 'em go "oh, oh, oh!"; You're gonna leave 'em all in awe.
Boom, boom, boom; even brighter than the moon, moon, moon; it's always been inside of you, you, you; and now it's time to let it through.
'Cause baby you're a firework; come on show 'em what your worth; make 'em go "oh, oh, oh!"; as you shoot across the sky.
Baby you're a firework; come on let your colors burst; make 'em go "oh, oh, oh!"; you're gonna leave 'em all in awe.
Boom, boom, boom; even brighter than the moon, moon, moon; boom, boom, boom; even brighter than the moon, moon, moon.
"Firework" - Katy Perry
Monday, December 27, 2010
DO NOT EVER
and I MEAN EVER get the Depo provera shot!!
Pardon my french here, but I need to bitch for a minute.
If you know anything about my "femaleness" you know I've had problems forever with hormones and such. Well I finally decided to do something about it, I'd been having my period about every 10 days for about 10 days (ICK), and went to get on some birth control. Since I have no insurance I went into planned parenthood, spoke with an assistant who suggested the best form of birth control for me would be the shot. They stuck my arm THEN the Dr came in and shared some of the side effects with me. I used some bad words with the doc, I was so upset!!
My memory isn't as good as it once was, and when the assistant suggested the shot I specifically asked her if it would make me gain weight because I thought I had heard that a lot of people gain an excessive amount of weight on the shot. She assured me that was untrue. Sold me on the damn thing...but when the dr came in AFTER I was loaded full of the medicine she told me that I will likely have an excessive weight gain (oh, same exact words I used when asking about it) and likely get acne...I was pissed. I pointed to my face and showed her that I absolutely do not need help with acne, for some reason I'm suffering from it already and what girl wants to know she's going to have weight gain??
Who in their right mind, knowing those side effects, would ever chose this?! I wouldn't have ever. Well, that was 7 weeks ago. In the first 2 weeks I had gained about 5 lbs, and fortunately I'm hovering right around there ever since. My acne actually is getting a little bit better I only have about 9 (yes i just counted) pimples.
But sad thing is, those are not the worst side effects. I'm so freaking crazy now!! I feel like I'm losing my mind, control of myself. I see no good anymore. It's hard for me to smile. I hate life. I have pity parties almost daily with myself. I only focus on what struggles I have right now...THIS IS NOT ME!! Not that I'm miss sunshine and rainbows all the time, but I promise I like to smile. I miss smiling.
I have a very dear friend someone who is so patient with me and tries to understand me but this person is the one who sees the most ugly I can be. I feel like a little jack in the box and the crank on the side is turning and we are just waiting to see that scary clown pop out. You never can be too sure when it's coming and that's how I have been. One minute things are ok, I'm not in a bad mood (wish it was a good mood) and then a switch flips inside of me and the world comes crumbling down.
The worst part of all of this is I know that I'm being illogical and what I'm doing is not warranted however I allow those emotions and feelings to take control and get the better of me. That is what is so frustrating!!
After my last "BIG" freak out I ran into one of my closest friends at Target and I was telling her that it had been almost 24 hours and I was terrified to slow down because I feared if I did that I'd have another episode. She laughed as I told her of my rantings and stupid behaviors and said that something must be imbalanced because the way I was acting was so far from "trichelle". Then she asked if it could be my birth control...at that point I remembered another friend telling me about his friend who got on the shot and she'd went psycho for a year (he told me this without me telling him anything about my personal life). When I got home from Target I ran to the computer and googled it. Sure enough one of the most dangerous side effects is severe depression and that patients are supposed to have their mental health checked because if you have ever suffered depression you should not ever get this shot.
UGHH!!! I have 1 1/2 more months of this BS. I wish I could go sit in a sauna for all day every day until it's out of my system...I really feel like I'm losing my mind, losing control.
I've decided that once this is out, I don't care if I bleed every day for a year, I don't know if I can do anymore birth control.
Pardon my french here, but I need to bitch for a minute.
If you know anything about my "femaleness" you know I've had problems forever with hormones and such. Well I finally decided to do something about it, I'd been having my period about every 10 days for about 10 days (ICK), and went to get on some birth control. Since I have no insurance I went into planned parenthood, spoke with an assistant who suggested the best form of birth control for me would be the shot. They stuck my arm THEN the Dr came in and shared some of the side effects with me. I used some bad words with the doc, I was so upset!!
My memory isn't as good as it once was, and when the assistant suggested the shot I specifically asked her if it would make me gain weight because I thought I had heard that a lot of people gain an excessive amount of weight on the shot. She assured me that was untrue. Sold me on the damn thing...but when the dr came in AFTER I was loaded full of the medicine she told me that I will likely have an excessive weight gain (oh, same exact words I used when asking about it) and likely get acne...I was pissed. I pointed to my face and showed her that I absolutely do not need help with acne, for some reason I'm suffering from it already and what girl wants to know she's going to have weight gain??
Who in their right mind, knowing those side effects, would ever chose this?! I wouldn't have ever. Well, that was 7 weeks ago. In the first 2 weeks I had gained about 5 lbs, and fortunately I'm hovering right around there ever since. My acne actually is getting a little bit better I only have about 9 (yes i just counted) pimples.
But sad thing is, those are not the worst side effects. I'm so freaking crazy now!! I feel like I'm losing my mind, control of myself. I see no good anymore. It's hard for me to smile. I hate life. I have pity parties almost daily with myself. I only focus on what struggles I have right now...THIS IS NOT ME!! Not that I'm miss sunshine and rainbows all the time, but I promise I like to smile. I miss smiling.
I have a very dear friend someone who is so patient with me and tries to understand me but this person is the one who sees the most ugly I can be. I feel like a little jack in the box and the crank on the side is turning and we are just waiting to see that scary clown pop out. You never can be too sure when it's coming and that's how I have been. One minute things are ok, I'm not in a bad mood (wish it was a good mood) and then a switch flips inside of me and the world comes crumbling down.
The worst part of all of this is I know that I'm being illogical and what I'm doing is not warranted however I allow those emotions and feelings to take control and get the better of me. That is what is so frustrating!!
After my last "BIG" freak out I ran into one of my closest friends at Target and I was telling her that it had been almost 24 hours and I was terrified to slow down because I feared if I did that I'd have another episode. She laughed as I told her of my rantings and stupid behaviors and said that something must be imbalanced because the way I was acting was so far from "trichelle". Then she asked if it could be my birth control...at that point I remembered another friend telling me about his friend who got on the shot and she'd went psycho for a year (he told me this without me telling him anything about my personal life). When I got home from Target I ran to the computer and googled it. Sure enough one of the most dangerous side effects is severe depression and that patients are supposed to have their mental health checked because if you have ever suffered depression you should not ever get this shot.
UGHH!!! I have 1 1/2 more months of this BS. I wish I could go sit in a sauna for all day every day until it's out of my system...I really feel like I'm losing my mind, losing control.
I've decided that once this is out, I don't care if I bleed every day for a year, I don't know if I can do anymore birth control.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
time flies when you're having fun
well, i don't know if i'd really consider the last few months "fun". I have had some absolutely fun times, but with that comes the opposite right?!
A brief recap of my life the past little while:
love
dwindled love
ivy turned 5
laughter galore
confusion
tears
re-prioritized my life/goals
trying to figure out who the hell i am
laughter
broken friendships
tears
concerts galore
tears
mini road trips
black eyes
my 30th birthday (ok really i'm 29 but 30 for some reason sounds better)
started school
homework
laughter
tears
homework
making new friends
homework
laughter
tears
girl talks galore
and more homework
......
and here I am today. Like that recap?! lol.
It's been a rough few months, lots of tears have been shed. however, there has been much laughter right along with all the tears. I've come to realize how truly blessed I am in my life with an amazing family (and I am including my friends in with my family because they are my family too). I have to admit that I am so thankful for all my trials and struggles because without them I wouldn't be who I am today (not to be read that I have it all figured out, nor am I the person I want to be, but I'm on my way there) I have learned to be more compassionate and understanding to the people around me. I try so hard not to judge others based off of stereotypes or ignorance to their circumstances. Everyone makes mistakes in their lives, yet I have learned that we can either choose to learn from them and better ourselves or we can surrender and let them get the better of us. And if someone surrenders (which I have done plenty of times, and I'm sure I will do a few more) we still cannot judge.
I am happy. I am finding myself. I have hope for my future and for my children's. I am embracing the opportunities God has given me and I hope not to let Him down.
A friend and I watched a movie and there was a line in it that I loved: when one story ends it's so another can begin.
here's to the next story of my life. :)
A brief recap of my life the past little while:
love
dwindled love
ivy turned 5
laughter galore
confusion
tears
re-prioritized my life/goals
trying to figure out who the hell i am
laughter
broken friendships
tears
concerts galore
tears
mini road trips
black eyes
my 30th birthday (ok really i'm 29 but 30 for some reason sounds better)
started school
homework
laughter
tears
homework
making new friends
homework
laughter
tears
girl talks galore
and more homework
......
and here I am today. Like that recap?! lol.
It's been a rough few months, lots of tears have been shed. however, there has been much laughter right along with all the tears. I've come to realize how truly blessed I am in my life with an amazing family (and I am including my friends in with my family because they are my family too). I have to admit that I am so thankful for all my trials and struggles because without them I wouldn't be who I am today (not to be read that I have it all figured out, nor am I the person I want to be, but I'm on my way there) I have learned to be more compassionate and understanding to the people around me. I try so hard not to judge others based off of stereotypes or ignorance to their circumstances. Everyone makes mistakes in their lives, yet I have learned that we can either choose to learn from them and better ourselves or we can surrender and let them get the better of us. And if someone surrenders (which I have done plenty of times, and I'm sure I will do a few more) we still cannot judge.
I am happy. I am finding myself. I have hope for my future and for my children's. I am embracing the opportunities God has given me and I hope not to let Him down.
A friend and I watched a movie and there was a line in it that I loved: when one story ends it's so another can begin.
here's to the next story of my life. :)
Friday, May 21, 2010
best intentions
alrighty friends, i know i totally suck at blogging lately!! So, today i really did have the best intentions to sit my tooshy on the couch and get to typing. I'm so far behind and there are so many good times to tell you all about. But!!!!! As I got to organizing my pics, it's taken me over 2 hours already, and I'm probably only half way through :( BOO!!! If only facebook (I upload all my pics to there) would work a little better today, I could get this going...but it isn't, so I shall put off blogging for another day when I don't have to sit here crying over these pictures taking so long.
Until then....CHEERS my friends
Until then....CHEERS my friends
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)