There are moments in life when we are tested....Today I was faced with one, and might I say I failed miserably. Moments after the test I sit here and re-play it out....wanting to bang my head against a brick wall. Why didn't I pass that silly test? Why did I not focus on what I have learned and apply that knowledge? I DO know better, I should've aced it!!
Awful part of it all is until I do pass this test, there will be another one. *sigh*
These moments, these tests, do they define me? Do I show my true colors? Part of me fears this is who I am...but definitely not who I want to be.
Where does one begin when trying to ace that blasted test? I know it starts on the inside, and that is my least favorite place to be. There's too much in there. There's things I don't want to know about my self, things I don't want to admit. But I know that's where I need to start. I can compose myself enough on the outside to put off the appearance that "why yes of course I can pass that test", but when it comes down to the wire time for the test which is more like a pop-quiz with no warning, the inside of me is shown, the inside that is untouched un-composed.
I've made one change as of this last week, it might be a small change but I think it's one of the biggest changes I could make and will only get bigger as time passes. I prayed. First time in almost 3 years. It was a small prayer, not a day long prayer, not one where I really needed something big, just a prayer to let my Father know I was still here. Don't get me wrong because I have always believed in God, never felt his absence and continued to say small prayers but my heart wasn't truly there. I abandoned Him. I felt so unworthy of His blessings in my life that I quit asking for them. I would ask for blessings for others but not myself. I know that God loves me, He loves all His children. But there was something inside of me telling me I was not good enough to pray, not good enough to ask for His help in my life. I won't get into the details of it all, because there are too many and I fear offending anyone or giving off the wrong impression.
I know that change only works from the inside out, I can't change my "answers" to life's tests without first changing the inside. Perhaps I needed this test today to get me working on it all a little bit faster. I canNOT fail it the next time...but hopefully it won't be for a long time.
5 comments:
I love you Trichelle. You are such an amazing person. Always remember it.
"diddo"
I LOVE YOU TOO!! Don't ever forget that!! Remember we don't have to be perfect in order to be loved & cared for by our Heavenly Father!! You are my favorite person!! Don't get yourself down!! LOVE YOU!!
Love ya girl.
Bummer about the test. We've all had those moments. I dropped out this sememster after all the baby stuff and thought what has happened to my brain! It does not work the way it used to! Good for you for giving it a shot and good luck next go around. It doesn't matter how many times we have to take a test and the grade doesn't very well matter either in the end. Just that we learned something during all those attempts and improved in some small way, even if it is the hardest ones like patience and humility. Love ya cous!
Stace
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