Sunday, July 3, 2011


i have been a slacker.
i'm working on getting back to blogging...but for now i'm working on some personal things. i've started another blog where i am putting my focus for the time being. the things i write in there are very personal. from my heart. i expose myself 100% and don't plan on holding back. i don't feel it's appropriate for this blog...don't know why exactly, this blog has been about me, it's not just my family blog but it is mine...however the other one is more raw. i don't want to be judged. i need to let some things out. it's a healing blog for me. so until i feel better, i'll be living around there. i'll come back to here someday. and likely, well hopefully, i'll be on here to get caught up and post some cute pics that i have.

cheers to the journey of life.

Monday, March 28, 2011

changing my name

after much debate and consideration, i think i must change my name. no, no, not my last name but my first name. i think it should be grace. kinda pretty huh?

my mom has teased me that i used to be her little ballerina, and aren't ballerina's graceful? well as each year passed (now this is when i was much younger) i became more and more of a clutz and my mom would tease that it was a good thing she didn't name me grace. for the last few years i have been rather impressed with myself and assumed that stage of my life was over. i was regaining some "grace".

well, of course my luck ran out. a month or so ago i ate it while walking on campus. a nerve got pinched in my hip and gave me no warning what-so-ever and i went face first into the snow. fortunately there was snow. everyone around assumed i had just slipped on the ice. no big deal, my hip (the pinched nerve) was killing me and this exact thing had happened just a few days earlier where I couldn't stand for nearly 15 minutes, however i was at home when it happened. so being in the middle of the sidewalk at school i quickly looked up to the heavens and pleaded that i be able to stand at least this day. it hurt and was difficult but i managed to get my butt up.

i was feeling good this morning. got up early. ate breakfast. was on time and didn't need to rush. yes, it was a good morning, a good start to the week....that is until 8:10 am hit just moments after i stepped off the trax. I was crossing the busy street up by campus, you know the one where the VA hospital is, and just east of there are all the big medical centers...and you know at this time there is a BUNCH of traffic. so anyways, i was feeling good almost to the point of whistling...until my body lunged forward, my feet did some dance that they were never trained to do for about 10-15ft and then SMACK and the awful sound of brakes screeching on a car! my feet didn't rescue me, instead they attracted everyone around attention leading in for the grand finale. i somehow managed to not only fall in the street but i did some acrobats. you know, if you're gonna fall might as well make it worth it?! i somersaulted. not sure how, but i did with my extra large back pack on.

I laid there for a minute, wide-eyed, mouth slightly ajar and then realized i better get up before i hear more screeching brakes.

Normally, this sort of thing doesn't embarrass me much. I can usually laugh a sincere laugh....but today's display of my lack of grace was anything but "normal". i was mortified. while i laid there i honestly had hoped someone would rush over and help me up, so that i'd at least have a laughing partner, one with whom i could pretend that i wasn't so embarrassed. but i never saw an extended arm, only blue sky. so i bravely lifted my neck (the whole time wishing the darn car would've just hit me) and saw people standing with their hands over their mouths. really? did they think they could disguise the fact that they were laughing at the performance I had given? the girl who was closest mustered out "ah, ah, arrre (hee hee) yyyou ok? (hee hee)"
I smiled and nodded with my eyes closed.

i kicked my feet, as if i were shaking the humiliation from me, grabbed my cracked water bottle, and whatever pride i could muster up at that point and turned myself around to continue walking to class.

it was over. it happened. now get over it i told myself for 50 minutes that should have been spent learning about databases. after class i took a deep breath and started my walk across campus to my next class. during my walk, i felt someone grab my arm and a sweet voice ask if i was ok. i looked at her with question in my eyes and she explained that she had seen me earlier but was laughing too hard to help me. i busted up laughing and assured her that i was fine; other than a few scrapes and bruises and that big old dent in my pride.

serves me right i guess. last semester a boy was riding his bike around campus and for no apparent reason he went over the handle bars and fell to the ground, his books flew into the air and scattered like confetti. I couldn't help but burst out in laughter. today it was karma, complete karma.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

i have pics finally....and ALOT OF RAMBLING

As if I didn't have enough on my plate to worry and fret about right now (financially speaking), I figured it was time to take myself on a mini vaca...ok so really I had just come home (well was on my home) from a weekend in St. George when it hit me that I needed a real vaca, not helping someone move and spending my entire weekend cleaning (which is a whole other story).

Let me back up a few years. lol. not really 2 years ago one of my very bestest of friends moved to AZ and I have yet to visit her there. The last few months I have desperately needed some sort of distraction from HERE (not that life here isn't wonderful and full of joy, but sometimes despite all the blessings there is a whirlwind of disaster too) . So like i said i decided on the way home from st. george that no more waiting for me to get a job (that's what i kept telling myself, once i got a job i could go) because i realized that once i had a job and school going how the hell would i ever find time to get away. it was now or never...well ok i hope not really but I NEEDED it so i tried to logic it that way. i text krissie sunday afternoon and asked what her plans were for the following weekend. her response was to spend it with me. we were on the same page. i decided to leave thursday and come home sunday. only missing 2 days of class, which i had talked to my professors and found out nothing was really going on anyways.

I told my friend tj my plan...ok back up a little bit here too. tj is my little helper right now. he is my best friend (among a few others). he sees something in me that not many people see and pushes me to fight for it. he is the one who got me in counseling (which thinking of, i need to get back to doing that) and has paid for it all. he is who i was in st. george with, it's his family that lives there and his sister that we were helping move.

So, on with my story...i told tj my plans of going to AZ (which we had talked about before because his brother lives there and we thought that eventually we'd make it down together to see both his brother and krissie) --sorry this story is messy because i like to tell all parts, so another side note, tj is staying with his family don't know, until he feels like coming back north or until work starts back up.--tj, is also my little protector, i'm not allowed to drive in snow, walk across the street to the grocery store after dark, stop in "shady" areas of town, or anything that could possibly be "unsafe" (secretly i really like this, no one has ever really cared before) so with that being said, he of course opposed to my driving me and the kids all the way to phoenix and requested that we pit stop in st. george and pick him up and he would drive us the remainder of the way.

thursday morning at 5:58 am zaden and i backed out of the driveway and headed to ivy's dads to pick her up and were off. we made awesome time, the kids were outstanding, i think they are born to be little road-trippers (wahoo) they never fussed or whined or anything so the drive was rather pleasant. UNTIL we got off the freeway on st. george blvd and zaden puked all over. luckily tj's brothers house was less than 5 minutes away so i called and told them to be ready for me with towels.

after a bath and an hour of playing we loaded back into the car and set sail for AZ.
(the kids were begging me to take pics of them, how could a momma say no?)

(This made me laugh, the kids were being super super quiet so i turned around and
they were both sleeping with blankies on their heads.)

it was little sotera's 6th birthday thursday (i had thought it was on saturday, oops) so we surprised her and claimed to be her birthday present. she was thrilled and so surprised. I had SO much fun. it was nice to just relax and be around good company. we didn't make ourselves super busy sightseeing or anything, which was fine by me, all i needed was krissie time.
(i know this is the ugliest or goofiest pic of myself but i had to post it because right
before i snapped it tj warned me to not close my eyes)

(i really don't think this one is any better though,
my eyes are open but they are super exhausted after no sleep the night before)

(oh he is so funny, so funny i think i had drink coming out of my nose.)

(we played wits and wagers, tj's favorite game, and during it krissie and chad started
marking each other, thank goodness it wasn't sharpies that we were using)

(our last day we decided to let the kids do something extra fun and took the to the fountains)
(zaden absolutely loved it, he wouldn't get out)

(on the way home, we were stuck in a pretty bad blizzard and the kids were so good,
well i found out why when i turned around and saw this...thank goodness for girl scout cookies)

(little miss did so good at cleaning up chocolate boy for me so i could focus on the snowy roads.)

some, i'm sure, have judged me for taking this trip (you know me being a financial mess and not having an income and crying about bills all the time) but the gas money was well worth the recharge i got. krissie talks openly to me, tells me what i need to do but in a way that is out of love and kindness and full of respect. things were said to me that made me feel so much better about myself, who i am (which by the way i felt more alive there then i have in so long), what i deserve, and how i need to go about getting it.

this trip was better than that even (can you believe it?? could it seriously get any better?) tj and i had a few good conversations too. we cleared a few things out of the air between us, and krissie had a big old chat with him (he's only known this downer moody sad girl) about who i am and what i need from him. he couldn't quit saying how lucky i was to have a friend like that. a true TRUE friend. someone who deep down to their soul cares. and he pointed out another friend of mine whom he believes cares the same so i'm twice blessed there. and you know what I AM!!

I was super sad to leave, i called her house my paradise. it was perfect weather, i didn't have to really worry about or entertain the kids, i laughed so much, i started to come back to life even if just ever so slightly...

i thank you krissie and chad for allowing me a minute to get away from my reality and be able to enjoy life. thank you tj for driving us there safely and taking such good care of us always. and thank you dear Lord for my friends! for their rescue, for allowing me to remember what really matters in life.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

My OH my!! Time for a change huh?!

Honesty moment for a minute. For the past few months (far too long) I've allowed myself to become subject to an awful enemy, depression. I hate it, yet when it started coming on I really did try to fight it. I thought at times that I had succeeded but then there are other times that I can't hide from it any longer.

I just went through 2 years of my blog, which wasn't really that hard to do because i've slacked off so much, but looking at the pics my smile was so much brighter. The words I wrote were much happier. hmmm...makes ya think for a minute, and then it makes me get down right upset with myself. Don't get me wrong because i know that i have SO MUCH to be eternally grateful for. But i suppose I just "like" to dwell on the rest.

I've started a class, like counseling somewhat, about self-analysis and getting to truly know yourself. It's been interesting so far. But after seeing my blog I AM SO READY to find happiness again. I miss smiling and laughing til I pee my pants.

So, here's your warning: Soon, very soon (with the help of big man upstairs) I will be the goofy adult with so much zest for life that I will be skipping and singing through parking lots. I'll be the wacko rocking out to her music in her car. I'll be the person who you will wonder why I'm smiling (what's tucked up my sleeve).

(oh see just the thought of that makes my mouth corners turn goal for tomorrow: skip to class. LOL)

here's my favorite song lately. The lyrics just speak to me, maybe you'll like it too.

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag; drifting through the wind; wanting to start again.
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin; like a house of cards; One blow from caving in.
Do you ever feel already buried deep; Six feet under scream; but no one seems to hear a thing.
Do you know that there's still a chance for you; cause there's a spark in you.
You just gotta ignite the light; and let it shine; just own the night; like the fourth of july.
'cause baby you're a firework; come on show 'em what you're worth; make 'em go "oh, oh, oh!"; as you shoot across the sky.
baby you're a firework; come on let your colors burst; make 'em go "oh, oh, oh!"; you're gonna leave 'em fallin' down.
you don't have to feel like a waste of space; you're original, cannot be replaced; if you only knew what the future holds; after a hurricane comes a rainbow.
maybe the reason why all the doors are closed; so you could open one that leads you to the perfect road.
Like a lightning bolt; your heart will blow; and when it's time, you'll know.
You just gotta ignite the light; and let it shine; just own the night; like the fourth of july.
'Cause baby you're a firework; come on show 'em what you're worth; make 'em go "oh, oh, oh!", as you shoot across the sky.
Baby you're a firework; come on let your colors burst; make 'em go "oh, oh, oh!"; You're gonna leave 'em all in awe.
Boom, boom, boom; even brighter than the moon, moon, moon; it's always been inside of you, you, you; and now it's time to let it through.
'Cause baby you're a firework; come on show 'em what your worth; make 'em go "oh, oh, oh!"; as you shoot across the sky.
Baby you're a firework; come on let your colors burst; make 'em go "oh, oh, oh!"; you're gonna leave 'em all in awe.
Boom, boom, boom; even brighter than the moon, moon, moon; boom, boom, boom; even brighter than the moon, moon, moon.

"Firework" - Katy Perry