Monday, December 27, 2010
Pardon my french here, but I need to bitch for a minute.
If you know anything about my "femaleness" you know I've had problems forever with hormones and such. Well I finally decided to do something about it, I'd been having my period about every 10 days for about 10 days (ICK), and went to get on some birth control. Since I have no insurance I went into planned parenthood, spoke with an assistant who suggested the best form of birth control for me would be the shot. They stuck my arm THEN the Dr came in and shared some of the side effects with me. I used some bad words with the doc, I was so upset!!
My memory isn't as good as it once was, and when the assistant suggested the shot I specifically asked her if it would make me gain weight because I thought I had heard that a lot of people gain an excessive amount of weight on the shot. She assured me that was untrue. Sold me on the damn thing...but when the dr came in AFTER I was loaded full of the medicine she told me that I will likely have an excessive weight gain (oh, same exact words I used when asking about it) and likely get acne...I was pissed. I pointed to my face and showed her that I absolutely do not need help with acne, for some reason I'm suffering from it already and what girl wants to know she's going to have weight gain??
Who in their right mind, knowing those side effects, would ever chose this?! I wouldn't have ever. Well, that was 7 weeks ago. In the first 2 weeks I had gained about 5 lbs, and fortunately I'm hovering right around there ever since. My acne actually is getting a little bit better I only have about 9 (yes i just counted) pimples.
But sad thing is, those are not the worst side effects. I'm so freaking crazy now!! I feel like I'm losing my mind, control of myself. I see no good anymore. It's hard for me to smile. I hate life. I have pity parties almost daily with myself. I only focus on what struggles I have right now...THIS IS NOT ME!! Not that I'm miss sunshine and rainbows all the time, but I promise I like to smile. I miss smiling.
I have a very dear friend someone who is so patient with me and tries to understand me but this person is the one who sees the most ugly I can be. I feel like a little jack in the box and the crank on the side is turning and we are just waiting to see that scary clown pop out. You never can be too sure when it's coming and that's how I have been. One minute things are ok, I'm not in a bad mood (wish it was a good mood) and then a switch flips inside of me and the world comes crumbling down.
The worst part of all of this is I know that I'm being illogical and what I'm doing is not warranted however I allow those emotions and feelings to take control and get the better of me. That is what is so frustrating!!
After my last "BIG" freak out I ran into one of my closest friends at Target and I was telling her that it had been almost 24 hours and I was terrified to slow down because I feared if I did that I'd have another episode. She laughed as I told her of my rantings and stupid behaviors and said that something must be imbalanced because the way I was acting was so far from "trichelle". Then she asked if it could be my birth control...at that point I remembered another friend telling me about his friend who got on the shot and she'd went psycho for a year (he told me this without me telling him anything about my personal life). When I got home from Target I ran to the computer and googled it. Sure enough one of the most dangerous side effects is severe depression and that patients are supposed to have their mental health checked because if you have ever suffered depression you should not ever get this shot.
UGHH!!! I have 1 1/2 more months of this BS. I wish I could go sit in a sauna for all day every day until it's out of my system...I really feel like I'm losing my mind, losing control.
I've decided that once this is out, I don't care if I bleed every day for a year, I don't know if I can do anymore birth control.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
A brief recap of my life the past little while:
ivy turned 5
re-prioritized my life/goals
trying to figure out who the hell i am
mini road trips
my 30th birthday (ok really i'm 29 but 30 for some reason sounds better)
making new friends
girl talks galore
and more homework
and here I am today. Like that recap?! lol.
It's been a rough few months, lots of tears have been shed. however, there has been much laughter right along with all the tears. I've come to realize how truly blessed I am in my life with an amazing family (and I am including my friends in with my family because they are my family too). I have to admit that I am so thankful for all my trials and struggles because without them I wouldn't be who I am today (not to be read that I have it all figured out, nor am I the person I want to be, but I'm on my way there) I have learned to be more compassionate and understanding to the people around me. I try so hard not to judge others based off of stereotypes or ignorance to their circumstances. Everyone makes mistakes in their lives, yet I have learned that we can either choose to learn from them and better ourselves or we can surrender and let them get the better of us. And if someone surrenders (which I have done plenty of times, and I'm sure I will do a few more) we still cannot judge.
I am happy. I am finding myself. I have hope for my future and for my children's. I am embracing the opportunities God has given me and I hope not to let Him down.
A friend and I watched a movie and there was a line in it that I loved: when one story ends it's so another can begin.
here's to the next story of my life. :)
Friday, May 21, 2010
Until then....CHEERS my friends
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
My greatest joy in my entire life has been the moments spent with my beautiful children. I remember the feelings of unconditional love in amounts I was completely unaware a human being could experience the moment each of their sweet bodies were laid on my chest for that very first time. It amazes me how in that instant you would give your life for this tiny creature you met only moments ago. The love is unreal.
As they grow and develop their little personalities I can't help but love them more. They are what brings pure joy to my life. We may have our differences and get frustrated with each other from time to time, yet they have this ability to take away all the pain. Nothing heals like the sweet laughter of a child, the slobbery kiss of your baby, or the tender words of "momma, i'll protect you, it'll be alright".
I never thought being a mom would be such a rewarding and coveted job. I can't imagine my life without my children. I thank the heavens each day for blessing me with my two little angels.
Also, since becoming a mom you suddenly realize all that your own mother has gone through for you. I have a new respect for my mom and all other moms out there. You are a miraculous being. Often times I know my mom feels like she didn't do things quite right or questions her abilities as a mom...MOM, you are the best!! God sent us to you for specific reasons. Each mom has her strengths and weaknesses, but the ability to love her children and care for them is definitely among the greatest of her strengths. I love you mom!! Thank you for teaching me all that you have, for being an example of the type of mom I hope to be.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
1 : the quality or state of being perfect: as a : freedom from fault or defect : flawlessness b : maturity c : the quality or state of being saintly
2 a : an exemplification of supreme excellence b : an unsurpassable degree of accuracy or excellence
3 : the act or process of perfecting
I honestly thought that when I looked up the word perfection in the dictionary I would find a picture of Joe. Perhaps if I'd used a picture dictionary instead of merriam-webster I would have.
Joe is a "perfect" person. I know that you may think there is no such being besides Christ and you technically are correct...however aside from walking on water and a few other attributes; Joe is right there near perfect.
This guy is amazing. Everything he does is for someone else's benefit, never his own. He loves to see me or the kids or our family or friends smile and so he will do anything for them to bring them happiness. He is completely selfless. He gives and gives and never asks for anything in return. He defends those he cares about and loves much at his own expense. Joe is a hard worker. Joe loves his family above anything else. Joe understands each of our needs/wants and does everything in his power to meet them.
I feel so truly truly blessed to have met Joe and very lucky that he gave me a chance.
I LOVE YOU!!
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
I know I claimed to be on a journey to becoming a domestic diva or something of the sort. And I tell you I honestly thought I could do it....How hard could it be right? Cook dinner, clean house, keep the weeds out of the garden/flower bed/lawn, sew my children's clothing, craft my little heart away, keep up on blogging, and say "yes dear, let me rub your tired feet after a long days work".
Well as you can see from the lack of posts...I gave up. MAN O MAN being a woman is tough work. LOL.
I shot for the moon, missed, missed the stars on my way down and I landed back on the couch. BOO!!! Well....I didn't let that get me down (all the way). I decided to start it up again, . Wahoo. I have cooked a dinner (with side dishes and all the trimmings) every night, I worked on a few fun crafts, started the sewing (read: looked at it and organized fabric into piles), pulled weeds and hand tilled part of the front lawn, forgot about blogging but I did start reading (which I haven't done in years) a really good and BIG book, instead of rubbing my "dears" feet I rub his back and after all that I'm exhausted and getting pudgy.
As I stood and checked myself out this morning, as I do every morning I noticed my clothes are fitting a bit more snug, and there's pouches of cushion were I don't really need it....I understand on the bum (if only I could gain some there and the chest), but c'mon who needs cushion on the belly? NOT I!! So after seeing the results of my cooking efforts, I think I might be ready to go back to eating ramen, spaghetti, and pb&j sandwiches. So much easier!!
I haven't gotten the crafting done fast enough, I wanted to have a boutique oh um last month. LOL, and now the holiday items are passed..might as well give up on that one.
The rest of my goals follow this same pattern...
It is SO completely overwhelming. How do all of you do it?!! Did God short me out on some "oomph" and motivation and skills that it takes to make it from day to day being domestic? Cuz for me I'd rather sit on the couch stalking all these blogs, having lunch with my girlfriends, shopping for some new shoes, and enjoying treatments at the spa. Sounds like I'd make the perfect millionaire huh?! I know right? I totally agree, I would. Wonder what went wrong there?
Perhaps that will be the positive thing of me going back to work. I won't feel so obligated to do all those wonderful chores that could make me feel like a domestic goddess. Until I talk to Cindee, the world's greatest working mom (no kidding either, she's awesome even if she wasn't a working mom, but that makes her job even harder). Works full time but is on top of it all; now that's just depressing. But I could look at it on the bright side: She is human and I know her, tabloids haven't created her perfect image. She's my moon.
Friday, April 16, 2010
So as we've come to the conclusion that we are most definitely PRO homeschooling, I've started to get really terrified at the prospect of doing it. It's such an overwhelming task, I mean if it all works out and we enjoy doing it, my children's education depends all on me!! Can we say pressure?!
I have read book after book after about 10 other books....and I know deep in my heart it is what I truly want to do.
Little Princess is currently wrapping up her preschool year. She loves her school, she loves her teachers, and she loves her friends. Sometimes I feel like she will be deprived of all that, but then I have to remind myself that she will still have an education, I will be the teacher she loves, and she will have many friends through all the groups out there. She is very excited and onboard for the idea of homeschooling. She told her teachers that she can't wait for kindergarten because I will be her teacher. Her sweet teacher pulled me aside one day and asked if I was sure I could do it. She mentioned that her daughter tried to do it and she completely ruined her kids. I have no college education in the field and am really not qualified. I just smiled, winked and gave her hug and said it would all be ok. But regardless of the gestures I made, my head did start spinning. I stood there and watched Little Princess playing with her friends, and I of course doubted myself yet again.
But, regardless of all my doubts, fears, insecurities, and lets face it laziness is definitely up at the top of that list; I can't deny how my heart feels. I keep assuring myself that it's only kindergarten anyways, if I can't do it, if she doesn't like it, if it's too much stress well then I can just send her to first grade next year. Kindergarten isn't required so if she misses it in the Elementary program, she misses it. I am really excited though to see how this next year goes. Wish me luck. :)
I volunteered to help walk Little Princess's class on a field trip to the flower shop. Those kids are so dang cute, and very special. Little Princess had made wonderful friendships and she adores her friends. There are a few in the class who are starving for love. My heart aches when I am around them, but at the same time those little spirits are so sweet that they fill me with an overwhelming amount of happiness. They cling to any smile or kind gesture shown to them. I was able to walk with one little boy who needs the most love. He's so sweet and I just wanted to take him home with us. After that time walking with him, he always gives me the biggest hugs when I walk into and am leaving the class room, he always has a story to tell me and sometimes even a picture for me. I hate to think of what his life must be like at home, because he is a hard child to care for in the classroom and you can tell he just isn't cared for at home.
Anyways, back to the field trip....I hate when I get side-tracked, which happens frequently.
The girl at the flower shop was so cute with her presentation, she took the children on a tour of the retail part and explained what every little thing was and she went into a lot of detail; the kids loved it. When she took them in the back Little Man started acting up and so we didn't stay back there for fear of him grabbing a vase and throwing it.
The kids had so much fun, but we're completely exhausted after their outing. We arrived to the school with only 30 minutes left of class so I opted to take Little Princess home with me. She was quite upset with me, so I had to bribe her with an ice cream cone. Thank goodness McD's is right on our way home. Anyways, we had a fun field day.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Teacher:"today we'll learn the differences between letters, words, sentences and punctuation.... ...at the end of a sentence is a period."
MY DAUGHTER: "ew, a period? a period? why a period at the end of a sentence? Teacher just exactly what is a period?"
Apparently in our home I've only taught my daughter about one type of period. LOL!! Poor child was completely disturbed learning about punctuation.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
I asked Little Princess why we celebrate Easter. Of course for a 4 year old her answer was right on....because that's when the Easter Bunny comes. I did laugh, but part of me was sad to realize that I sure haven't been doing my job at teaching my children the real meaning of these holidays that we celebrate. So, that is my new goal...to teach my children more about Christ and how his life has affected them and who HE is. I know He is my older brother, I know that He loves me unconditionally, that I am of worth and importance to Him. I am grateful to His life and the love he showed and the lessons he taught. I am most grateful for his atonement and his rising from the dead. I cannot even start to understand all that it signifies but, I do appreciate it as I know it was out of selflessness and for the rest of us. I will teach my children these things.
Little Princess woke up and couldn't believe her eyes, she came running down the stairs to tell us the Easter Bunny had stopped by. We all gathered in the living room to find what special treats he left for her. O-my-Goodness, Little Princess and Little Man sure got spoiled this year, must've been extra good or something. They got a cute little patio set for them, plus an extra chair for a special guest. Little Princess designated it right away for her friend Sotera. They also got gardening supplies (which I honestly don't know the first thing about gardening so we will all have to learn together) and then of course I had to put out their Easter outfits for them.
The kids were so cute playing at their new table. Little Man quickly realized he could put his feet up on it to rest. We had a very nice morning just lounging around. Daddy Joe went outside and spotted a few eggs, he rushed in to tell the kids that the Easter Bunny left them some eggs to hunt for.
Later in the afternoon we went to my parents for the big hunt there. It really is a fun hunt because every year it's done slightly different. This year the real eggs had symbols on them and signified a "winning"; however we didn't know about this before the hunt. The grandkids got an outfit with their eggs. Among the other prizes were: a new pair of shoes, a new dress, part of tuition paid for, a dinner out, a tank of gas, 4 packs of diapers, and I can't remember what else (see what happens when I delay blogging, I forget half of what happens). We all had so much fun. I love the holidays and spending them with family.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Justin called and invited me and the kids to join Natalie and Mya at an Easter Egg hunt at an elderly care facility. I love doing things like that with the kids, because they just love it. This Easter egg hunt blew me outta the water though, it was not what I had expected at all. There were so many eggs, SO MANY!! And even though there were plenty of kids, there were still 100 times more eggs and treats. Kimi was great and took Little Princess to her age group so I could be with Little Man on his first egg hunt. He was so funny, not quite sure of what to do, but he did love picking up the eggs and throwing them back down. The kids most definitely made out like little bandits, which is fun for them, but not so fun for momma....that is just a lot of temptation for me to deal with cuz we all know I LOVE sugar!
After the hunt they offered us a very yummy breakfast. There were eggs, hashbrowns, bacon, sausage, fruit, yogurt, donuts, and honestly I can't remember what else, but I know I left with a very full tummy!!
Thanks Natalie for taking us with you.