Thursday, January 29, 2009

More from Little Princesses Mouth

This girl cracks me up! She's such a sassy little thing.

"Ivy will you please put that in the garbage?!"
"Ivy will you please get ____ for the baby?!"
"Ivy will you please..."

After an hour (or well a lifetime for her) she turns in her most sweetest voice and responds, "Well, I'm not the mommy so I don't HAVE to do everything!"

I've tried to teach little princess manners. When she feels the need to interrupt I've asked her to say "Excuse me please". She usually remembers and does it very well. Well one day I must've just been ignoring her or something because I failed to acknowledge her, but I did hear her. The she yells out, "HELLO, Don't you have ears?"

Monday, January 19, 2009

My Little Princess

So for the past few months Little Princess has been hitting the terrible 2's. She's just a year late (as I hear a lot of kids are). She has been terribly whiny and just bratty. But then the last week or two, by complete surprise she has been simply wonderful. She hasn't been fussy or whiny or snotty. She's been so willing to help with her little brother, help clean her room, eating her dinner and the biggest one was leaving grammy's house last night. Usually leaving grammy's house is a big chore that we dread on Sunday nights. But yesterday she just got her shoes, searched for her sweater, all without whining once. Lover Boy was the one who pointed out the most excellent behavior to me after we'd left. He was right, she was perfect while we were getting ready to leave.

Little Princess is full of funny sayings. Her latest is "of course". If I ask her to use the potty before we leave she says "of course I don't need to". That was just seems so funny, usually I hear "of course" when it's going to be used positively not with a negative term.
Today we went out with Grammy to a few stores and in the first one she asked for a treat. I really don't like to give her treats in the first store that we visit, but today she really was being so good that I would've given in, however I was on the phone with her daddy and didn't want to go wait in line because we were in the middle of an important conversation. She was so good and didn't cry and beg (like her normal behavior) and then according to my mom she just went and stood with Grammy in line and said "I can't have a treat, my mom said no and that's ok, I don't need one". What a little sweet heart!! I almost feel like I need to shake her and demand my daughter back, but I kinda like this clone with a much better attitude.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

The Joy of Motherhood

So, I know that I'm the one who signed up to be a mom, but had I been given a glimpse of all the things that can go wrong I might have given it a second thought. Not really of course, because the joy far outweighs the times that you beat yourself up.

I was just reading my very cute cousins blog and how she was feeling like a crummy mom. Funny thing was the situation that made her feel that way has happened to me. The exact same thing. Then I started remembering (although it's not that hard to do since they have just barely happened)the other things that have made me feel like a crummy mom too. Now I know that because these terrible things have happened it doesn't make me a crummy mom and that they have likely happened to other great moms, but it sure does make me feel awful.

I'm kinda lazy when it comes to feeding my baby in the middle of the night. I've tried to be good and stay awake to feed him the full bottle, but sometimes I nod off and then my arms relax and I wake up right as I'm about to drop the sweet little thing. So after that having happened a few times I decided that I'd feed him the first little bit and then lay him in his little boppy pillow to hold his head up, put a blanket under his chin and the bottle and prop that thing so I could go back to my comfortable bed. It was great I thought. I did this for a 4 o'clock feeding then about 5:30 I woke up to get the kids ready to take Lover Boy to work. I went into Little Man's bedroom and heard a faint cry. (Mind you I have very good baby monitors, it even picks up the noise from the neighbors when they are outside smoking) I went over to the bed and he had slipped down off the boppy pillow, the nice big blankie that I had propped his bottle with was completely covering him. I lifted it off to find a purple face, dying voice, sweaty little boy. I panicked. My baby monitor didn't pick up his crying because he was completely smothered. I burst into tears. I picked him up and held him as close to me as I could without smothering him again. Once he calmed down I sat him in his carseat and had to put myself in time out. I stepped out side and just sobbed and punished myself for being so selfish and nearly killing my baby. Then the awful thoughts of what could've happened took over. I lost it.
Did I learn my lesson? You would sure hope so huh?! But unfortunately I come first it seems. This week, I was terribly tired and he was taking just so long to eat his milk that I again was tempted to prop his bottle. But having "learned" my lesson I decided to put him in his bouncy chair and prop it. That way when gravity took over, his bottle would fall and so would the blankie used to prop it. I was right, I went up to get him ready to take his daddy to work and his bottle had fallen to the ground along with the blankie, but so did he. He's a wiggly little thing and somehow managed to throw himself out of his bouncy chair face down on the ground. Ugh...Seriously how can I be so stinking selfish?! My heart again was crushed at the realization that I obviously care more about myself and my sleep than about the well being of Little Man.
You know it's times like this that make me wonder how on earth I can be a mom. All I can say is hopefully I've really learned my lesson this time. I love being a mom more than anything in this world. It is the greatest blessing I have been given. I would torture myself if anything happened to my children. Especially if it was because of my carelessness.
I know that all moms have felt similar feelings at some point or another but can I just be done feeling those feelings of complete failure? (small chuckle) I know I just need to do my best and focus on taking the best care that I can, and then whatever happens just happens.
But amidst all the shortcomings that I feel as a mother, I would never want to give up or trade in this job. The blessings and joy that I feel as a mom far outweigh those negative times.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Reflections of the Year Past

The past few years I've decided that instead of setting New Years Resolutions, I'd focus on the things that I learned the previous year and just try to learn from those lessons this next year. As I was snooping through blogs I saw some questions about 2008 that you answer. I am going to do it in this format for this years reflections.

What did you do in 2008 that you have never done before?
There were so many things this past year that were "new" for me. But one that I hope to never experience again was when I snapped. I freaked out over absolutely nothing, and the worse part of that was that I knew there was no reason for me to freak out. I tried to calm myself down by taking a drive a admiring new home architecture. It didn't work, so I headed back home. I sat and stewed and stewed for hours. I became totally irrational and miserable. I scared my Little Princess because I was crying so uncontrollably and hitting my legs. It was not a pretty sight. Then Lover Boy came home and I unleashed on him. This is completely humiliating for me to admit but I'm going to so I never forget how easily I slipped and freaked out in an attempt to never let it happen again. I attacked poor Lover Boy. He suffered a severe and brutal physical beating. Now for those of you who know Lover Boy, it's quite hard to imagine that I could take him on. He's a foot taller with extra weight, but he didn't do one thing to stop me. He took it all. It disgusts me completely that I acted the way that I did. And just to put a silver lining on my ugly least I attacked him and not Little Princess. That is a thought that completely terrifies me. Luckily for me Lover Boy is forgiving and understanding. I immediately saw my Dr about it and got medicated.

Did you keep your New Year's resolutions and will you make more for 2009?
Like I said I don't like to make resolutions because I usually forget about them and so I don't keep them. Why set myself up for failure? However I do want to focus on putting those I love first. Not be so selfish this year.

Did anyone close to you give birth in 2008?
Well I did of course, in November I gave birth to Little Man.
In January my Sister-in-law gave birth to a very beautiful little girl. She's so cute and we've spent the entire 2008 falling in love with her and watching her grow.
Then in the nic of time to have an '08 baby, one of my bestest friends had a very very cute little boy right before Christmas. Who I need to go and see again!!

Did anyone close to you die in 2008?
Not anyone close to me. I don't think I've been to a funeral in a few years. Thank goodness...Knock on wood.

What vacations did you take this year?
In February I went to Denver CO to see my fantasy boyfriend, lol, James Blunt. My good friend Emily was going to go with me, but her schooling and work didn't cooperate. Luckily Lover Boy is from there so I was able to talk him into going with me. I had a lot of fun meeting his family and friends, seeing James Blunt, and staying a day with my good friend who I hadn't seen since she'd moved to Colorado a few years earlier.
In April or so, my family took a vacation to Lake Powell. My sweet friend Maria went with me. We had a good time driving down there and talking about both of our struggles that we were facing at the moment and then laughing about all our fun times and crazy things we've done. The weather was anything but nice once we got there. Being on the Lake was not so much fun, but we did have fun at Goblin Valley.
In July Lover Boy and I took Little Princess and my little sister to California to Disneyland, Seaworld, and the beach. I had so much fun. It was a nice short vacation, but one that I really needed. It was fun to spend time with those that I love so much and be carefree without the worry of work or errands or what not. We just did whatever we wanted and didn't plan too much. It was a good time.
Then for Labor Day my family spent the weekend at Bear Lake. Lover Boy and I stayed in a tent, which really was fun. It's been a few years since I'd stayed in a tent so that was fun. Although it was quite uncomfortable being pregnant, but still a good memory.

What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
I would really like to have a sense of peace of happiness. 2008 felt like I was always stressed about something and I focused more on the negative than the positive.

What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory and why?
hmm...that's a tough one. I usually always remember dates. So there's going to be a lot of dates that I'll remember. But maybe the most prominent will be the day I got pregnant. It was a freak out day because I knew I just knew I was pregnant.

What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Letting Lover Boy in my life. I wasn't sure if I'd be able to let anyone in again. As much as I just wanted my life to return to the way it was when I was married I had major issues and I didn't want to trust anyone ever again. I could just continue life on my own without having to worry about someone else. It's easier to rely on myself than try to count on someone else. But I'm glad that Lover Boy and I are working through these issues and that he has the patience to wait for me.

What was your biggest struggle in 2008?
My biggest struggle came from my pregnancy. I lost some of my very close friends as I clung to Lover Boy to strengthen our relationship. It was very hard for me to be in my situation, pregnant and unmarried and unsure of where my relationship with Lover Boy was going. I knew my parents would be disappointed and I was terrified to tell them. It was just an experience that I don't ever want to be in again, but it has been worth it now.

What was the best thing you bought this year?
I have most enjoyed my camera I bought for myself for mothers day. My old camera had gotten stolen so I'd been without a camera for about a year. It has been so much fun having a way to record special moments.

Whose behavior merited celebration?
Little Princesses. She potty trained herself this year. I didn't want to stress about potty training her and push that stress onto her, so I never really enforced her to use the potty. Luckily for me she trained herself while Lover Boy babysat her one weekend. His toilet was lower than ours was and she could reach the light herself, she just started going on her own while he was watching her for me. It was awesome!!

Whose behavior dissappointed you?
This one does seem to be a bit pointless. However there was one person last year whose behavior did completely disappoint me. It was a reaction to something and on one hand I completely understand her response but on the other, it was so not a response that I needed. In fact it did great damage to our relationship. But, now that time has passed and we're moving on with our lifes it is ok. It was a response that neither of us could control, but one that hurt me very deeply.

Where did most of your money go?
Same place as always: Bills

What did you get really really excited about this year?
I was really really excited when I first saw James Blunt in February. It was so awesome. And then I was really excited when I took Ivy to see him in August.

Compared to this time last year, are you: much happier, much nicer or much richer?
Much happier? Yes! Much nicer? Hmmm...I don't know about that one, I'm pretty moody these days. Much richer? Yes and No! I don't have more money, but Lover Boy has let me stay home with the kids so I feel much richer. Lol.

What do you wish you had done more of?
SMiling. I didn't smile a whole lot last year. My hormones were just messy and I was confused with what to do with my life.

What do you wish you had done less of?
Complaining. I was a major complainer. Everything just irritated me, nothing was good enough. Pretty pathetic.

Did you fall in love in 2008?
Most definately. I fell in love with Lover Boy, fell in love with Little Princess all over again, and then as soon as I met Little Man I instantly fell in love with him. Falling in love is the best of wonderful feelings. Nothing quite compares.

What was your favorite TV Program in 2008?
Well my TV went out in early 2008 so I didn't watch much TV. However Lover Boy did download the seasons of The OC, Lost, and Grey's Anatomy. I loved watching those and getting caught up what I had missed over the years.

What was the best book you read this year?
Whoa, I'm quite pathetic when it comes to reading. I don't read much. However I did read one book, Come Back that was an amazing story. It is a true story. I don't know if I recommend it though. Despite it being so touching and making me cry throughout it, it is the type of book that scares me to death. It's the story of a young girl who was molested by her father as a child. The book goes back and forth from the mother telling her side of the awful true story and the daughter telling her side. This young girl was completely messed up from the ugly acts committed by her father when she was under the age of 3. It was very good, but also scary for me to think about (Little Princess was the same age as the young girl being abused).

What did you want and get?
Funny. I had been so baby hungry for about 6 months before I found out I was pregnant. I had decided that I would just get a dog (and for those who know me pretty well, that is very unlike me, I do NOT do animals). I was dead set on getting a dog. Luckily I found out I was pregnant while searching for the "perfect" one.

What did you do on your birthday and how old did you turn?
I turned 27 in 2008. I worked that day. My mom brought me balloons and donuts to work. It was a very slow day and I just wanted to go home and sleep. Then when I got home Lover Boy took me to SL to PF Changs. He asked what I'd like to do in the big city while we were there, but I told him to just take me home and put me to bed. Mind you I was about 7 months pregnant and just exhausted all the time.

What one thing would have made your year more satisfying?
hmm....I honestly don't know. Maybe if I would've taken advantage of my time better and spent more quality time with Little Princess.

How would you describe your personal fashion statement this year?
Lacking, very lacking. I turned into the person I never thought I could become. I've always been the type to get very ready just to go to the grocery store. I always had to have my hair done and make up on and a complete outfit put together. However this year I wore my PJs out a lot. I wore my slippers (care bear slippers) to the very nice salon to get my hair done. One day i caught myself in PJ pants, with my ugly snow boots pulled over them, an oversized sweat shirt and my daughters hair clip holding my bangs back. I laughed the entire way home from the Credit Union when I realized how silly I must've looked in there. Poor Lover Boy for having to be seen with me that day.

What kept you sane this year?
Well once I realized that I truly had a problem and was on the verge on insanity, ZOLOFT came in and rescued me. I loved that little pill.

What celebrity did you fancy most?
This year I seemed so out of it. I didn't watch much TV, didn't go to the movie theater once, oh wait I did see one movie. I'll have to say it was Mr. James Blunt. I saw him in concert 2 times.

Who did you miss this past year?
I missed all of my friends. We all went different directions this year and it sucked. But most of all I missed my friend Emily. We had gotten so close (she'd gone through a serious break-up the same time I went through my divorce). We helped each other get pass so much heart ache and then this year we hardly got together. Life.

Who were the best new people you met this year?
Hands down, my Little Man. He's absolutely wonderful and perfect.

2008 wasn't my favorite year but in actuality is was a very good year that I learned a ton about myself. I met Lover Boy and have grown to love him so much and admire him. I've thought alot about myself and how to become a better person. I learned a lot from all the experiences that I faced that will hopefully make me better.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Reality Bites!

Little Princess has spent this last week with her dad. He had time off of work and asked if he could spend his time off with her. Of course, how could I say NO? I've said this before, she loves her daddy and looks forward to her time with him. She was so excited. She asked if I'd miss her, of course I would! She then went through and asked if basically every person in our family would miss her....Yes!!
And you know what I have totally missed her. The days have been nice because I'm able to just enjoy my Little Man and get his birth announcements made. But you know each day there is a moment that I think about her and miss her. I really try hard to push those thoughts from my mind because I know that she's having fun. But when Saturday came around I could hardly wait to get her back. I called her dad to see what time (to make sure I'd be home) he'd be bringing her back to me, he had thought I said to keep her til Sunday. Once again we had a minor communication error. So I told him if he wanted to keep her til Sunday that would be fine (but secretly I was hoping he'd just bring her home) or if he wanted to bring her back after they were done in Salt Lake that would be just fine too. He called me when they were on their way home and said that he was just going to bring her home to me.
About an hour later there was a knock on the door. I looked out the window to make sure it was my Little Princess, and it was. Hooray! I really was so excited to see her and hold her. I opened the door to see her perched up on her daddy's shoulder all snuggled in. I assumed she was sleeping. But nope, she just didn't want to be at my house. She cried and said that she wanted to back to her daddy's. My heart broke. It had been since Tuesday that I'd seen her. She wouldn't hug me or even look at me. Her dad then asked if it was alright if he just take her one more day. I told Little Princess the only way she could go with him was if she'd give me a big fat hug, no a squeeze and a kiss. She hurried to give them then with a huge smile on her cute little face jumped right back up into her daddy's arms. I said goodbye, closed the door, then plopped my butt on the couch. I was crushed. I picked up Little Man and told him he had better stay a Mommy's boy forever. I can't handle both of my little kiddo's preferring their fathers over me. Tears made their way to my eyes...I couldn't fight it anymore, I let them stream down my cheeks.
I just will keep my fingers crossed that Daniel never fights me for custody. I would hate to have the choice be left to Little Princess. Of course she'd choose her Daddy, which is good that she loves him so much and that he takes such awesome care of her, but I wouldn't be able to handle it.
I'm now anxiously waiting for her to come back to me...and there the door is, she's home!