There are moments in life when we are tested....Today I was faced with one, and might I say I failed miserably. Moments after the test I sit here and re-play it out....wanting to bang my head against a brick wall. Why didn't I pass that silly test? Why did I not focus on what I have learned and apply that knowledge? I DO know better, I should've aced it!!
Awful part of it all is until I do pass this test, there will be another one. *sigh*
These moments, these tests, do they define me? Do I show my true colors? Part of me fears this is who I am...but definitely not who I want to be.
Where does one begin when trying to ace that blasted test? I know it starts on the inside, and that is my least favorite place to be. There's too much in there. There's things I don't want to know about my self, things I don't want to admit. But I know that's where I need to start. I can compose myself enough on the outside to put off the appearance that "why yes of course I can pass that test", but when it comes down to the wire time for the test which is more like a pop-quiz with no warning, the inside of me is shown, the inside that is untouched un-composed.
I've made one change as of this last week, it might be a small change but I think it's one of the biggest changes I could make and will only get bigger as time passes. I prayed. First time in almost 3 years. It was a small prayer, not a day long prayer, not one where I really needed something big, just a prayer to let my Father know I was still here. Don't get me wrong because I have always believed in God, never felt his absence and continued to say small prayers but my heart wasn't truly there. I abandoned Him. I felt so unworthy of His blessings in my life that I quit asking for them. I would ask for blessings for others but not myself. I know that God loves me, He loves all His children. But there was something inside of me telling me I was not good enough to pray, not good enough to ask for His help in my life. I won't get into the details of it all, because there are too many and I fear offending anyone or giving off the wrong impression.
I know that change only works from the inside out, I can't change my "answers" to life's tests without first changing the inside. Perhaps I needed this test today to get me working on it all a little bit faster. I canNOT fail it the next time...but hopefully it won't be for a long time.