Well we made it. We said our "I do"s and I am now officially Mrs. Winkler. Today feels the same as any other day. Last night felt the same as any other night. But there is a little something different in my heart.
We had a perfect wedding. We woke up to dark clouds covering the entire sky with rain pouring out. Most would be completely upset by this while planning on an outdoor wedding without a backup plan. LOL, however sometimes there are reasons not to have a backup plan. I am the type of person who loves the unexpected. When Lover Boy and I awoke to such a "damper" (LOL) on the day, my heart raced with excitement. Call me crazy, but I really was looking forward to the rain. I thought it'd be so fun to have our umbrella, matted and ruined hair, possibly makeup dripping down my face. The only thing I was a little nervous about was the dress. Not about it getting ruined but what if it becomes transparent and see through. THAT would NOT be a good thing. We got all our things ready and loaded into the Jeep and headed over to TJ Trailers to get a trailer so we could pick up the rental chairs. When we got to TJ Trailers we met up with my dad who then reminded me that the rain might not be so enjoyable for the guests and the children. I hadn't thought of that aspect so then the panic of what to do hit me. I just had to call my mom, she knows me and knows that a little or a lot of rain doesn't intimidate me but she would also be conscious of the children attending. She told me to just do it outside. The guests with children would be aware of the weather and would dress their children warm. PHew, relief! She just has a way of saying things to calm me right down. So, on with our plans for the BIG DAY.
Everything panned out perfectly. The rain stopped for a brief window, just enough time for us all to make it down the aisle. Sprinkles started during the beautiful ceremony performed by my dad. We were able to hug and visit with some of the guests in the garage while it rained and then when we were done with that it stopped and our photographers took us to get some pictures.
Now that you know how that all went, I want to describe my feelings and emotions on marriage. I'm going to admit to everything, and this is hard for me to admit to all these feelings, but I need to for myself.
I was married 6 years ago to a man that I truly did love. Our marriage was anything but easy. In my opinion we struggled far more than most couples. This was, again in my own opinion, due to a few factors, we were from 2 different cultures, cultures that have entirely different perspectives on roles of man/woman husband/wife; I was very young and immature; had grown up believing the Cinderella ending "they lived happily ever" without any struggles or differences. However of course we had our differences and my immaturity was obvious. I didn't know how to deal with anything. After 4 years of marriage, it was over. Just like that. I feel like I blinked and woke up one morning alone. I immediately wanted to find someone and get remarried and continue in the life I was accustomed to; a family, husband/wife/daughter. But once I started dating it became obvious that there was no way I was ready. I had major fear hidden deep inside of me. I never wanted to be left alone again. Now, I know that sounds a little contradicting when I say I didn't want to be left alone again, but at the same time didn't want to get involved with anyone. When I am alone, due to my choice I'm in control! I could support me and my daughter, of course it was hard but we survived. But if I were to allow someone into our lives again I would lose that control. That other person has their own choice to stay or leave. I dated and enjoyed dating, but I couldn't commit to a person. My fear controlled me at all levels. My life was a whirlwind.
Then along came another guy. I immediately felt something for him, something different than I'd ever felt, EVER. But my fear still controlled me. "I" had to be in control of my life and by letting him in "I" would lose that control. I struggled with it for a little bit, but then decided that I would only date him. Things were going along just fine and then BAM I found out I was pregnant, mind you we only knew each other about 10 weeks. My life spun out of control again. Was this person someone I truly loved and would want to spend the rest of my life with. Of course I cared about him then and thought it could work out, but there were SO many differences, would those turn out to ruin us, just as the differences did with my first love. My heart was torn and spinning in every which way. I didn't know what I wanted. He was incredibly good to us, but....
Time went by as we attempted to stay together. I still was unsure what to do about this pregnancy. Do I keep this child? Do I give it up? I was barely surviving taking care of my daughter, how could I take care of an infant as well? Will things work out with me and the father? Mentally, emotionally, physcologically can I handle being a single mother of 2 if it comes to that? My fear took over again, along with out of control pregnancy hormones. I panicked. I told him quite a few times that it just wouldn't work out and to leave us. I would figure out on my own what to do and then "be in control of my life again".
Fortunately, Lover Boy was patient with me. He stuck by my side every single day! Each day I fell more and more in love with him. We'd talked about marriage, but I just couldn't bring myself to commit to it. "Someday" was the response. We were both ok with that. Someday, would come along eventually. Then along came my new best friend who never seems to leave my side, FEAR. Fear took hold of me again, what if someday doesn't ever come. It wasn't getting any easier when I'd think of marriage. It scared me to death just the thought of it. I'd try to convince myself that I could do it and would love it, but in my heart I was terrified. I'd try to talk about it more openly, but truth was my stomach would twist and get knotted up.
I decided that maybe the only way to get past my fear was to confront it head on. Get Married. Right when I decided that, Lover Boy was talking about career opportunities, but the career would be better only if we were married. The benefits of the job would increase if we were legally a family. I panicked again. Ok, so maybe I wasn't really ready to meet my fear face-to-face. Everyday I was terrified that if he got this job, we would have to do it. Luckily this job didn't pan out and we weren't "forced" to marry. But shortly after, I realized that somewhere deep in my heart behind all this obnoxioux fear was excitement and relief. I did want to be married. Then along with some other circumstances (that I think I already blogged about) I asked Lover Boy to marry me, immediately. This short amount of time wouldn't allow for me to get spooked. But like I said, Fear has become my new best friend. He found his way in my life each and every day.
Luckily, someone rescued me in the nick of time, 2 days before I was to be married. My ex-husband called me to congratulate me and make the arrangements for our daughter for the day of the wedding. He expressed to me exactly what I needed to hear. I hesitate about putting it in here the exact way he'd said because I don't want him to look bad or for anyone to judge...But basically he just said that it will work out for me this time. He can see the love that we have for each other and that not everyone gets scared and leaves. He assured me that I was not the reason he'd left. Daniel may not every know the power that those few words he said to me have, but he pushed that fear right out of me. I was ready absolutely ready to marry again.
I'm so very fortunate to have Lover Boy in my life. I know that our story won't exactly be Cinderella's, we will have our struggles and our differences we will have our ups and our downs, but we will make it our fairytale and we will live "HAPPILY EVER AFTER".
What's not to love about this guy, my husband:
He's so laid back. Nothing really gets under his skin.
He gets along with everyone! There is not one person that I've ever heard him speak ill of.
He's so kind and loving and playful with Little Princess.
He's no romantic, but every now and then he surprises me with a dip during a kiss or massage while I'm washing the dishes, or a cute little phrase.
He's a hard worker.
He's a go-getter. If something needs to be done, he's the one who will take iniative to do it. If it's something he doesn't know how to do, he will research it online or ask someone who knows how and then goes at it and does it. It's pretty amazing to watch him work.
He's brilliant. He is so incredibly smart.
He gives 110% of himself. ( and I know 110% is impossible, but I swear if it were possible...) He has sacrificed so much for our family. He sold somethings one month to help get all our bills covered, not just things that could get the money, but his very favorite things. He's given up his space in the basement and made the kids a wonderful playroom. He loves to drink beer. When we met he loved to have a few beers every day; that and vitamin water are his beverage of choice. However now trying to support a family he's given that up because he knows that we just can't afford to spend the money there. (AH, tears are streaming down my face, because I don't think anyone has ever given up so much for me.)
He makes me laugh. Not a day goes by that he doesn't have me laughing, even when I'm upset and just want to be angry and sulk in my frustrations he has a way of getting my lips to crack a smile and my gut let out laughter. I love bedtime, we get the kids to bed and then that is like our "laughing time". hmm, typing that I realize that we should have a specific "laughing time" with the kids too, but I love our time alone to just laugh and enjoy each other.
He's a wondeful Dad. He plays with both the kids so much and is so good to each of them. He isn't a pushover and knows how to follow through with punishment (I'm trying to learn from him on this one).
Ok, I've gotta stop, the screen has become so blurry my hand are sopping wet from wiping tears every 2 seconds....
Cheers to Marriage!