So, I know that I'm the one who signed up to be a mom, but had I been given a glimpse of all the things that can go wrong I might have given it a second thought. Not really of course, because the joy far outweighs the times that you beat yourself up.
I was just reading my very cute cousins blog and how she was feeling like a crummy mom. Funny thing was the situation that made her feel that way has happened to me. The exact same thing. Then I started remembering (although it's not that hard to do since they have just barely happened)the other things that have made me feel like a crummy mom too. Now I know that because these terrible things have happened it doesn't make me a crummy mom and that they have likely happened to other great moms, but it sure does make me feel awful.
I'm kinda lazy when it comes to feeding my baby in the middle of the night. I've tried to be good and stay awake to feed him the full bottle, but sometimes I nod off and then my arms relax and I wake up right as I'm about to drop the sweet little thing. So after that having happened a few times I decided that I'd feed him the first little bit and then lay him in his little boppy pillow to hold his head up, put a blanket under his chin and the bottle and prop that thing so I could go back to my comfortable bed. It was great I thought. I did this for a 4 o'clock feeding then about 5:30 I woke up to get the kids ready to take Lover Boy to work. I went into Little Man's bedroom and heard a faint cry. (Mind you I have very good baby monitors, it even picks up the noise from the neighbors when they are outside smoking) I went over to the bed and he had slipped down off the boppy pillow, the nice big blankie that I had propped his bottle with was completely covering him. I lifted it off to find a purple face, dying voice, sweaty little boy. I panicked. My baby monitor didn't pick up his crying because he was completely smothered. I burst into tears. I picked him up and held him as close to me as I could without smothering him again. Once he calmed down I sat him in his carseat and had to put myself in time out. I stepped out side and just sobbed and punished myself for being so selfish and nearly killing my baby. Then the awful thoughts of what could've happened took over. I lost it.
Did I learn my lesson? You would sure hope so huh?! But unfortunately I come first it seems. This week, I was terribly tired and he was taking just so long to eat his milk that I again was tempted to prop his bottle. But having "learned" my lesson I decided to put him in his bouncy chair and prop it. That way when gravity took over, his bottle would fall and so would the blankie used to prop it. I was right, I went up to get him ready to take his daddy to work and his bottle had fallen to the ground along with the blankie, but so did he. He's a wiggly little thing and somehow managed to throw himself out of his bouncy chair face down on the ground. Ugh...Seriously how can I be so stinking selfish?! My heart again was crushed at the realization that I obviously care more about myself and my sleep than about the well being of Little Man.
You know it's times like this that make me wonder how on earth I can be a mom. All I can say is hopefully I've really learned my lesson this time. I love being a mom more than anything in this world. It is the greatest blessing I have been given. I would torture myself if anything happened to my children. Especially if it was because of my carelessness.
I know that all moms have felt similar feelings at some point or another but can I just be done feeling those feelings of complete failure? (small chuckle) I know I just need to do my best and focus on taking the best care that I can, and then whatever happens just happens.
But amidst all the shortcomings that I feel as a mother, I would never want to give up or trade in this job. The blessings and joy that I feel as a mom far outweigh those negative times.