Thursday, December 25, 2008

The Bitter Sweet

Can I just say I HATE having to share my child. She's mine, mine, mine!! Ok so I guess I do know that it takes 2 to create that masterpiece, but....ugh! It's hard to share, especially when you are as selfish as I am.
Before I get too carried away though I must compliment Little Princess's Daddy. He really is an awesome dad. He takes her 2 week nights and has her sleep over, then every other weekend. He's never not showed up. Occasionally he might be late, but he always shows up and takes her. She loves her daddy. I'm sure if I gave her the chance to choose who she'd rather spend time with, she'd choose her daddy...which could hurt my feelings, however I look at it as such a blessing. He and his little family is so good to her and they love her otherwise she wouldn't get so excited to go there.
Well, it being Christmas morning and waking up again(our agreement is that she spend Christmas Eve with her Daddy and his family and then Christmas Day with ME!) without Little Princess does make me a bit sad. However we celebrated Christmas yesterday because Lover Boy had to work today, so it really is ok. It's just knowing that today really is Christmas.
Christmas eve is spent at my parents house eating dinner and exchanging gifts among the kids. Last night Uncle Justin asked (along with everyone else) where Little Princess was. "With her Daddy". Uncle Justin then asked if he could buy out her daddy's custody and what the price would be. I too feel that way sometimes. Rotating holidays, weekends, nights during the weeks it seems she misses out on so much. But I quickly remind myself that it's probably more important that she be with her daddy and spending time with him and his family than always with me.
It is hard though. I miss her so much when we have family get togethers that she's not able to participate in, I love watching her play with her cousins. Usually her daddy and I can work things out so that she can enjoy both families, but every now and then things fall on the same day and we have to choose. We let Little Princess choose, which she usually chooses to go with her daddy...and really I'm not offended in the slightest because she is so close to her cousins on his side and her sweet little step brother just adores her and so who wouldn't want to spend time with a bunch of kids your own age?!
Now that is the bitter...On to the sweet.
For very selfish reasons, it is nice because sometimes a Mommy just needs a break and rather than having to go through the hassle of hiring a babysitter, I know that on those nights Little Princess will be gone and with someone who I completely trust to care for her. I am able to get a lot of things done; ie Christmas Shopping and other tasks that are much easier to complete with out a child.
Little Princess and I were talking the other day about all her family. She has 2 daddy's, 2 mommy's, 2 brothers, countless gramma's and pappa's and bunches of uncles, aunts, and cousins. I told her how I only have 1 daddy and 1 mommy. That did confuse her a bit, she said that her daddy was my 2nd daddy, I told her no, he is only yours and Alan's (his step son) daddy. Then Little Princess offered Lover Boy to be my 2nd daddy. I tried to explain to her that he isn't my other that conversation was much harder that I imagined to explain to a 3yr old how she can have 2 daddy's and I can't. Phew, we survived it though.
Well Divorce truly is a bitter sweet. So much good can come from it; but regardless how much good comes it is still the hardest thing I've ever had to go through, and every now and then we are faced with the ugliness of it.
I'm not meaning to have a pity party for me. I'm not saying in any way that my divorce was so awful and hard to get through (I know that it was much better than most divorces), but even though it went through without lawyers and too much hate and bitterness it still doesn't make it easy. The ripples of the divorce will continue to affect me the rest of my life, Little Princesses life, her daddy's life, probably Lover Boy's life....and all the people who care for us.
I have found a happiness with Lover Boy that I only imagined before...maybe I'm more realistic and mature this go around?! I love my life and wouldn't ever want to change it. Little Princess's Daddy (in my perspective) has found someone whom he loves and she loves him back and they are very very happy. We are living out our "Happily Ever Afters", just not following the story book lines, but really who does?

1 comment:

Brittney said...

This was a great post. I think you have a great perspective, Girl. A great and realistic outlook on your life. I am so happy that you've found your Happily Ever After. You deserve it! MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!