time to whine

OK, so I've been very much a complainer with this pregnancy...as I'm sure I was with Ivy, I'm just a complainer in general.:( Anyways, I've really been trying so hard to do better. I have so much to be thankful for that I've really been trying to focus on that and not on the little things that maybe inconvenience me in my life.

But, I really need to just whine for a minute. I'm not sure how this little boy is positioned, but goodness gracious he's killing me. My hips are already moving (which didn't happen last time until about the last month) and have been for 3-4 weeks. This is where I'm certain the "Pregnant waddle" comes from. It hurts! I do walk funny, waddle like I've got a stick up my bum. Sleeping....ah sleep, what I would give for a good nights rest!! I can't sleep...my little baby boy just seems to get a surge of energy that last every night from about 10:00p.m. to 1:00 a.m. And I wish so badly that I was one of those mommies that loves to feel her baby moving, but to be honest, I'm not. I hate it. It grosses me out. I can feel my insides move around as he's stretching or playing or whatever he is doing. Honestly I do feel for the little lad, I'm so short waisted that he really doesn't have much room to get a good stretch. I constantly sit with poor posture, which he helps remind me to sit nice and tall by giving me a nudge up in the ribs.

I was on the phone with Joe's dad the other night and he was asking me if I was getting fat and happy. I bursted out laughing, fat and happy in the same sentence being connected to each other! Now that was pure humor to me. I assured him I was definitely growing...however I have been quite lucky in my pregnancies (the whole 2) and really not gained much weight, mostly just belly. In fact this time I'm a few lbs underweight, which as sick and disturbing as it might sound I was excited to hear. Anyways, back to my conversation with Joe Sr...I then informed him, or reminded him, that I haven't been too happy. I've had major hormone issues. Unlike ever before. I now totally feel sorry for people who suffer from depression, bipolar, or any disorder in which you feel such extremities. One day I'm on cloud 9, the next I think of how if it weren't for this little blessing in my belly I'd rather be dead! It's awful!! If you ever feel like this, it so isn't normal!! But at the time you are feeling it, it is completely real and you can't convince yourself that there are happy times and that life is worth living. So at my last visit, I informed my Dr. that I was really struggling with some issues. She told me I could start medication now just have to ween off the last 3 weeks. I looked it up online, and the warnings there scared me to death...all the side effects that it can have on your child. So when I talked to her about those, she informed me that is better for the baby than all the stress and anger and frustration and hate and well all the negative feelings that I'm pushing on him. She told me to just take half a pill instead of the full dosage, so I did for about a week...the side effects (nauseau, tiredness, icky poop) weren't fun at all and I felt like I was fine so I got off...not smart at all! I had another episode and so I'm back on those things! Hooray for medicine! Joe Sr. informed me that his favorite times were when "mama" was pregnant. He loved watching that miracle develop and watching her nurture the babies inside of her....It hit me. I felt the guilt. I needed to have the same attitude.

I do love my baby. I am so excited for him to join the family. I can't wait to have him in my arms. Even through all the exhaustion (I went to bed last night at 5:40 a.m and woke at 6:30 a.m for work), mood swings, aches, and movement I am grateful that I am able to experience it, that I have the opportunity (unlike so many) to carry my baby.